You're standing in the hallway outside your child's bedroom, and you have no idea what to say. Someone they loved has died, and you can feel the weight of it in the house, in the quiet, in the way your child looked at you over dinner. And underneath your own grief, there's this other fear running: How do I help them through this without making it worse?
In my twenty-plus years working as a child and family therapist, I have sat with countless parents in this exact position. If that is where you are right now, I want you to know something first: there is no perfect script that takes the pain away. But your presence matters more than your words. The fact that you are actively looking for ways to support your child tells me they are in good hands.
Here are the practical strategies I share with grieving families.
1. Use honest, age-appropriate language
It is human nature to want to soften the blow for children, but euphemisms often backfire. Here is how to adjust your language based on their developmental stage:
- For young children (ages 3-6): Keep it concrete. Euphemisms like "passed away" or "we lost her" genuinely confuse a small child. They might think a grandparent who is "lost" can be found. It is better to say, gently but clearly: "Grandma's body stopped working, and she died. That means we won't be able to see her anymore."
- For older kids and teens: They can handle more nuance and will likely want to know exactly what happened and why. They may ask questions you don't have the answers to. It is highly reassuring for a child to hear an adult honestly say, "I don't know the answer to that, but I'm wondering the same thing."
2. Expect grief to be messy (and look like misbehavior)
Adults tend to think of grief as sadness. Kids experience it as everything. One minute they are sobbing, the next they are asking what's for dinner, and twenty minutes later they are laughing at a video. This is not a lack of caring; children process grief in doses, dipping in and out to avoid being overwhelmed.
Here's the key thing: a child's grief rarely looks like adult sadness. It often shows up as:
- Anger or irritability over seemingly small things.
- Regression, such as a seven-year-old suddenly wetting the bed or wanting to sleep in your room.
- Acting out at school or picking fights with siblings.
Many parents I work with don't connect these behavior changes to the loss because their child isn't crying. If your child's behavior has suddenly shifted, it is worth looking at grief as the root cause. (We see these exact same patterns when children are grieving a divorce).
3. Model sadness, but protect the boundary
Many of us try to hold it together, thinking we need to be "strong" for our kids. But when your child sees you cry and then sees you get up to make dinner, you are teaching them that big feelings are survivable. You can be sad and still function.
The boundary to maintain is ensuring you are not leaning on your child for emotional support. Let them see you are sad, but do not ask them to comfort you. Kids should never feel responsible for managing a parent's grief. If the family is struggling to balance this, family therapy is a safe space to grieve together without anyone carrying too much weight.
4. Give them ways to remember
Some kids want to talk about the person who died; others don't. Both responses are fine. What helps is creating an ongoing connection to the person's memory. This could be looking at photos together, telling stories, or keeping a specific tradition alive.
Often, the most meaningful rituals are the ones kids start on their own: the child who insists on making their grandfather's Saturday morning pancakes, or the teenager who wears their dad's old sweatshirt. Grief doesn't ask us to let go. It asks us to find a new way to hold on.
5. Know when to call a professional
Most children will grieve and eventually find their footing, but sometimes the grief gets stuck. It is time to bring in a child therapist if several months have passed and you are seeing:
- Persistent, unmanageable sleep problems or nightmares.
- Total withdrawal from friends and social activities.
- A sudden, sustained drop in academic performance.
- Any statements expressing a desire to hurt themselves or "go be with" the person who died.
There is no timeline for grief, and there is no doing it "right." The most helpful thing we can do is stay open, stay honest, and let our children know that whatever they are feeling is safe with us. We don't have to have all the answers. We just have to be willing to sit in the hard stuff alongside them.
Additional resources for talking to your child about death can be found at Our House Grief Support Center.
In person and virtual sessions available
If your family is going through a loss and you're wondering whether your child could use some extra support, I'm here. You can fill out the contact form below or call me at 818-403-5439. I see children and families in person at my Agoura Hills office and virtually anywhere in California.
