You know that tightness in your chest that starts sometime around November? The one where everyone around you seems to be glowing with holiday spirit and you are just trying to get through the week without snapping at someone or crying in the grocery store parking lot.
If that is where you are, you are not broken. And you are not alone in this.
In my twenty-plus years working as a therapist, I have seen this pattern repeat every single winter. We are sold a very specific picture of what the holidays should look like: warm gatherings, grateful families, everyone getting along. When your actual life does not match that picture, it is easy to feel like something is wrong with you. The gap between the holiday you think you should be having and the one you are actually having is where a lot of the pain lives.
Here is what I tell my clients about getting through the hardest parts of the season.
1. The money piece is real
Let's be honest: most of us overspend in December and pay for it in January. The gifts, the travel, the parties. Many families I work with go into the new year buried in credit card debt because they felt they could not say no.
This financial pressure does not just cause stress in the moment; it creates anxiety that ripples out for months. One thing that helps: decide on a hard numerical limit before the season starts, and clearly communicate it to the people closest to you. It sounds simple, but most of us never actually do it. We just spend and hope it works out.
2. When someone is missing from the table
For families dealing with grief, the holidays can feel unbearable. You are setting the Thanksgiving table and you keep counting the wrong number of chairs. The festive atmosphere everyone else is enjoying becomes a constant reminder of who is not there, and it can bring up waves of sadness and loneliness that feel totally out of step with the season.
If you are parenting through grief right now, you might find our guide on helping your child cope with the loss of a loved one useful. Your kids are watching how we carry this, and that matters.
3. When family dynamics get louder
Here is the thing about the holidays and family: they do not create problems, but they turn up the volume on the ones that are already there. The relative you have been avoiding all year is suddenly across the dinner table. The parent who makes critical comments now has a captive audience. And everyone is supposed to just smile through it.
Many clients I work with are shocked when I give them this piece of advice: You are allowed to leave. Seriously. You can go to the dinner, stay for an hour, and drive home. You do not owe anyone a full day of your peace.
4. What actually helps
The most useful thing we can do is treat self-care during the holidays as non-negotiable rather than optional. Here is what that looks like in practice:
- Audit your obligations: Be honest about which events actually matter to you and which ones you are attending out of guilt. Not every party needs a yes. Not every obligation is actually an obligation.
- Protect your physical routine: Keep up an exercise routine, protect your sleep schedule, and maintain some semblance of normal eating habits. Physical predictability helps stabilize a stressed nervous system.
- Practice real-time grounding: Have a plan for when you feel overwhelmed at an event. Stepping into a quiet room or using specific mindfulness exercises for stress relief can act as an emergency brake for anxiety.
- Block off recovery time: Intentionally schedule one weekend day with absolutely nothing on the calendar to let yourself decompress.
The holidays do not have to be perfect to be good. And if this time of year is genuinely hard for you, that does not make you weak. It means you are dealing with something real. It is completely valid to seek support before things reach a breaking point.
In person and virtual sessions available
If the holidays are weighing on you and you want someone to talk it through with, I am here. You can fill out the contact form below or call me at 818-403-5439. I see individuals and families in person at my Agoura Hills office and virtually anywhere in California.
