Sending Your Child to College: Anxiety, Homesickness, and the Empty Nest

The car is packed. You have made the list, checked it twice, and bought more extension cords than any dorm room could reasonably need. And underneath all of it, there is a feeling you were not quite expecting: something closer to grief than pride.

In my twenty-plus years as a therapist working with families, late August is one of the busiest stretches of the year, and not for the reason people assume. The students are usually fine, or they get there. It is the parents who come in six weeks later, saying some version of the same thing: I did not think it would hit me this hard.

If that is where you are, this is for you. We will cover what your student is carrying, what you are carrying, and how to tell the difference between a hard adjustment and something that needs more support.

Why this transition is bigger than it looks

Sending a kid to college is one of the few life changes where everyone involved is expected to be happy about it. That expectation makes the harder feelings difficult to name.

If you also have a younger child anxious about the start of the year, Back-to-School Anxiety: Preparing Your Child covers that stage. For your college student, it is often the first time they are responsible for everything at once: sleep, food, laundry, money, deadlines, and an entirely new social world where nobody knows them yet. Independence they genuinely wanted arrives all at the same moment, which is a lot to absorb.

For you, the daily role you have held for eighteen years ends abruptly. Not gradually, not with a transition period. One Sunday you are doing their laundry and the next you are not. And if this is your youngest, the house gets quiet in a way that can be genuinely disorienting.

Both things are real at once. Your pride in them is not diminished by your sadness, and their excitement is not diminished by their homesickness.

What your student is likely feeling

Homesickness is nearly universal in the first few weeks, and it usually does not look like sadness. It shows up as irritation on the phone, sudden certainty that they chose the wrong school, or a stretch of silence followed by a 1 a.m. call in tears.

• The comparison problem. Everyone else appears to have found their people by week two. Almost nobody actually has. Your student is comparing their inside experience to everyone else's public one.
• Academic footing. Students who coasted in high school often hit real difficulty for the first time, and that can shake their sense of who they are more than the grade itself.
• Structure disappearing. No one is checking whether they went to class, slept, or ate. For a student who relied on external structure, that freedom can be destabilizing rather than freeing.
• Identity questions. Away from the role they had at home and at school, a lot of students go through a genuine stretch of not knowing who they are.

Most of this settles over the first semester. The pattern I would watch is not intensity in week one, but whether things are slowly improving by week six.

What helps, and what quietly backfires

Things that help

• Set a loose rhythm, not a rule. A standing Sunday call gives you both something predictable without either of you tracking who reached out last.
• Ask better questions. "How is it going?" gets you "fine." Try "Who have you eaten with this week?" or "What is the hardest part of your day right now?"
• Normalize the wobble. Telling them that most people feel unmoored for the first month or two is more useful than reassurance that everything will be great.
• Let them solve things. The roommate conflict, the professor's office hours, the dropped class. Every problem they handle themselves builds the thing they actually need.
• Point them to campus resources early. Nearly every school has free counseling. Mentioning it before there is a crisis makes it much likelier they will use it.

Things that quietly backfire

• Calling or texting constantly. It is usually about soothing your own anxiety, and it makes it harder for them to settle into where they are.
• Solving it for them. Emailing the professor or the housing office teaches them that hard things require you.
• Offering the exit too quickly. "You can always come home" sounds supportive, but in week three it can read as confirmation that they cannot handle this.
• Hiding how you are doing. You do not need to make it their problem, but total cheerfulness reads as false and can make them feel alone in struggling.

The part nobody prepares you for

Here is what I hear most from parents, usually with some embarrassment attached: I feel like I lost my job and nobody told me.

That is not an overreaction. Parenting is a daily, physical, structuring activity, and when it stops, the loss is real. Common and rarely talked about:

• Grief that feels disproportionate. Crying in their room, or in the car, or at the grocery store buying food nobody will eat.
• Loss of structure. The day was organized around their schedule. Without it, evenings and weekends can feel shapeless.
• Identity questions of your own. If most of your time and attention went to raising them, the question of who you are now is a real one.
• Your marriage, uncushioned. When the last child leaves, couples are often alone together in a way they have not been in decades. For some that is a relief. For others it surfaces things the kids were absorbing.
• Relief, and guilt about the relief. Some parents feel lighter. That is allowed, and it does not mean you love them less.

These feelings usually ease over the first few months as new routines form. What helps is treating the space deliberately rather than waiting for it to fill itself: something on the calendar you actually look forward to, contact with friends you deferred for years, and honest conversation with your partner about what this stage looks like for the two of you.

When it is more than an adjustment

Most of this is ordinary and it passes. Some of it does not. Consider reaching out to a therapist, for your student or for yourself, if you notice:

• Distress that is not improving at all after six to eight weeks, or is getting worse
• Withdrawal from classes, activities, or people that keeps going
• Sleep or appetite changes lasting more than a couple of weeks
• Drinking or substance use that has clearly increased
• For you: sadness that does not lift, difficulty functioning at work or at home, or a marriage that has become tense or silent
• Any talk of self-harm or of not wanting to be here. Treat that as urgent rather than waiting, and call or text 988 right away

Therapy in this stretch is often short and practical. For students it tends to focus on managing anxiety, building structure, and finding footing socially. For parents it is usually about grief, identity, and renegotiating a relationship with an adult child, and sometimes about a marriage that needs attention now that the house is quiet.

Frequently asked questions

How often should I contact my college student?

There is no correct number, and it varies a lot by student. What tends to work better than a set frequency is a loose, predictable rhythm you both agree on, such as a standing call once a week plus texting as things come up. If you find yourself reaching out mainly to relieve your own worry, that is worth noticing. Contact that is driven by a parent's anxiety usually makes it harder for a student to settle in.

My student wants to come home every weekend. Should I let them?

Occasional visits are fine. A pattern of coming home every weekend during the first semester can slow things down, because the friendships and routines that make a campus feel like home are usually built on weekends. Rather than refusing, it often helps to get curious about what going home is solving for them, and to look for ways to meet that need on campus instead.

How long does homesickness usually last?

For most students the sharpest part eases over the first several weeks as routines and friendships form. Timelines vary, and a rough first month is not a sign that something is wrong. What matters more than the calendar is the direction: distress that is slowly improving is usually adjustment, while distress that is flat or worsening after a couple of months deserves a closer look.

Is it normal to feel this sad when my child leaves for college?

Yes, and it is more common than most parents realize. The end of a daily caregiving role is a genuine loss, even when you are proud and even when you wanted this for them. Feeling grief does not mean you raised them to be too dependent or that you are handling it badly. It usually eases as new routines take shape, though for some parents it settles into something heavier that is worth talking through with a therapist.

What if my marriage feels different now that the kids are gone?

This is one of the most common things I hear once the last child leaves. Couples who have spent years organizing life around their children can find themselves alone together without the buffer that parenting provided. Sometimes that is welcome. Sometimes it surfaces differences that were easy to set aside when the house was full. Either way it is a normal part of the transition, and it responds well to attention early rather than after resentment has built.

Should my student use campus counseling or find an outside therapist?

Campus counseling is free, close by, and understands the academic calendar, which makes it a sensible first stop. Some centers have session limits or waitlists, so students who want longer-term work or continuity with someone they already know sometimes prefer an outside therapist. If your student is a California resident, virtual sessions can continue while they are away at school.

If this transition is harder than you expected, for your student or for you, that is worth taking seriously rather than waiting out. I work with teens, young adults, and parents from my office in Agoura Hills and virtually anywhere in California, including Westlake Village, Oak Park, Calabasas, Thousand Oaks, Woodland Hills, and Simi Valley. Call me at 818-403-5439 or fill out the contact form below to set up a consultation.